I recently lost my father. It was a complete shock to me. He was 68 years young.
I’ve been sharing with those that I know to tell the people they care about, that they love them every chance they get. Here is my last letter to my Dad that I plan to read at his memorial service this weekend.
I know you always enjoyed my writing, which is why I wanted to send you this last letter even though you have now moved on from this life. I mentioned to you in the past that you were an excellent writer and I admired and respected you for that. I wish you had started a blog about your own journey and lessons learned in life that I could now look back on.
Where should I start? I never thought you passing would happen like this without me being able to talk to you or say goodbye. You were so young at age 69 to go. I’m so sorry we did not talk more over the last couple years. I mistakenly thought we could always talk later and I am now wrong. I’m telling all my friends to make sure to tell the people that they care about, that they love them every chance they get. Family is all that we have and we can never get them back.
When I was little, you and Mom got divorced. I really don’t remember that too much. I just remember you having to leave at the end of each weekend. We were really close as I was growing up. I looked up to you so much and just enjoyed being around you. Looking back now I realize the sacrifices you made to visit me as often as you did. You were a good father and I love you very much for always believing in me and supporting me.
I remember when you would come in town we would always have to work on something like cleaning the house or mowing the lawn before we could go out and do ‘something special’ that you called it, which usually meant going out to eat. I now appreciate the fact that you wanted to instill in David and I a strong work ethic, which is something that I did pick up, and either good or bad, I believe that I work more and harder than most people I know.
My childhood love that we both shared together was baseball. As I got a little older, every time you came in town, we would go to the ball field and practice all day long. I loved it so much. I even loved the smell of the ball field and just being there made me feel happy.
Playing catch together was special. I remember you having your childhood baseball glove, which was an old Ted Williams model. You probably had it re-stitched and repaired over a dozen times but it was your glove and you always used it.
I remember one time it started to rain while you were hitting me ground balls at 3rd base. Neither of us wanted to stop because of the rain so we just kept going. We didn’t need to say anything. Each of us new that it was more important to keep going and not let the rain stop us. We had a special connection. We had a chemistry of love and respect for each other. Little moments like that, I’ve never spoken of before. They never seemed too important but now I know they were the most important.
You were so good about making my games too. I know it was hard with you living across the state but I really admire thinking back how much effort you made to see me play. You were always thinking about me and every time you came in town, I remember you always having a brown grocery bag full of articles and baseball tips for me. Anything that you thought could help me you would do. From purchasing a pitching machine, to catcher’s gear, you were there to support me and looking back now, those memories are very special. I remember you saying to me once that you enjoyed watching me play so much because it was like you were getting to relive your childhood dreams of playing baseball through me. Dad, I’m so grateful for these memories I have with you around the baseball field and I will never forget them. Thank you.
The older I got the more we became friends and less of a father/son relationship. We would joke around a lot and I remember you always laughing so hard that you would cry. You would always get this funny look on your face and I knew you could barely breathe from laughing so hard. The funny thing is now, when I laugh really hard, I cry too and make the same face!
To this day, David and I joke about the many funny sayings you always had. We joke about them but we both know that they make up who were and looking back now we appreciate them even more because they were yours.
There were many things you supported me on. The first time I ever drove a car was in your white Geo Prism. I remember that day so clearly. It was a Sunday and we found some back dirt roads down in Mims, FL where you let me drive. Wow, I remember the awesome feeling I had learning how to drive a stick shift, which is why I wanted a stick shift for my first car.
I remember the day you bought my first truck. You negotiated with those guys for hours. We walked out on them as if we were going to leave at least twice I think. I remember admiring how you stood your ground and finally got the deal you wanted. You taught me that it’s ok to be assertive and ask for what you want. The worst they can do is say no. You also were always careful not to just give anything to me, and we worked out a deal where I paid back the loan for the truck. When I wanted to buy a house, you suggested that we do it together as an investment. We signed a contract together for our partnership. You always showed respect for me as a person and I always tried to give you respect back which I believe is why we got along as well as we did.
There were many hard times that you experienced in your life but I admire how you always trusted in God and would practice your faith by forgiving others. You were always really good about listening even when we were in a disagreement. You taught me to always show empathy for the other person and make sure they felt heard before you try to tell your side of the story.
I do regret to say that over the last couple years, we had difficult times in our relationship. There was never anything we could not overcome though and you were good about reaching out to me to talk. The last email you sent me was on December 27th at 10:35am, saying we need to talk more and asking to set up a phone call. I responded back one hour later saying, how about tonight at 7pm? I never heard back from you but I didn’t think much of it at the time. I just figured we’d catch up soon. However, I learned not too long later that it was the last time you were going to contact me.
There are things that you taught me that I want to make sure others know about. You taught me about living for something greater than myself and I believe these individual pieces of wisdom help to define the character of the man you were.
– Being a person of integrity – you always said to me that as a CEO or major league baseball player, the most important thing that you hope people admire me for is being a person of integrity, above anything else. I remember one morning we were sitting in church together and you slipped me a note with this message. You also would remind me often when we would talk. What I always loved about this was that you just knew that I was going to achieve something great and be a person of influence. You truly believed in me. So the question in your mind was once I became a person of influence, you wanted to make sure that I was going to be a person of strong character and to treat others with respect and always be a person of strong integrity and do what is right even if it’s not popular. Dad, I remember this so clearly and I promise to you, that I will always strive to be that person of great integrity that you would have wanted.
– Appreciation for wisdom – every year on my birthday you would always ask, so John, how are you more wise now that you are a year older. Ha, I always knew that this question was coming and to be honest I never really new what to say. I guess this was one way you would get to us having a more meaningful conversation together. The day I graduated from college at the University of North Florida on April 30th 2005, you gave me a book called, Power. You wrote in the cover a note to me as follows.
“Happy Graduation Day, Son! May your life be filled with Power. Remember, John, power used for altruistic purposes makes power grow. But, power used for selfish reasons, makes power destroy you! Love Dad.”
– ‘Deep talks’ – you always enjoyed getting into a deep conversation with me to talk about feelings you or I had about something of meaning, even if it was a difficult subject. You weren’t interested in a superficial discussion. I remember you wanting to talk about something that was real, which usually meant some type of deep feelings we had about a particular topic. I now appreciate that you were a deep thinker and wanted to listen and learn from others at this more thoughtful level. Maybe it was because you were a psychologist by profession or maybe it was because you respected the ability to share honest feelings because of the trust you have with someone in order to do that. I admire this this about you Dad and I too enjoy having deeper discussions.
– Trusting your intuition – I remember you telling me to always listen to your own intuition and that it can be very powerful. There were several times when I did not understand that about you but I do know that you believed in it and you felt that it was an important for guiding you in some life situations. I don’t know exactly what it was, but you certainly felt some type of feeling to move towards a direction, which you believed to be your intuition. I remember you also sharing with me once that you felt like you missed your calling for a profession in the stock market because of how you were able to use your intuition about picking stocks. I don’t know what all to make of that but I do know you did very well as an investor. Dad, I promise to try to always keep an open mind and listen to my intuition as it’s telling me something or giving me a direction.
– Promoting peace and justice – this was a philosophy that I believe you inherited from Peter, your Dad and my Grandfather. You were never as outspoken as he was but you absolutely believed in the fundamental principals of world peace, loving your neighbor, and equal justice for all people. I respect these attributes of who you were and promise to carry on these beliefs in my life to help other people.
Dad, I miss you so much and I’m so sorry I did not have the chance to say goodbye to you. If I had the chance, I would have told you that I love you and that I will carry on the ideas that you would have wanted and to be a person that you are proud of and will treat others with respect like you would have wanted. You have taught me many things in my life, from having a strong work ethic, to the value of a dollar and being frugal, to always being a person of strong integrity. I’m grateful for the memories that I have because of how you loved me and showed me how much you cared for me as your son and friend.
I promise you that I will be that person of strong integrity, I will always work hard, I’ll seek to have more deep talks with those that I care about, I will pursue peace in my community and in the world, and most of all I will love and respect my children in ways that I know you would be proud.
I love you Dad. I’ll never forget everything you’ve taught me and I promise, you will live forever in my heart and my own family will know and respect the good and loving person you were to me and our family.
I love you,
Your son, John